Saturday, October 14, 2006
today is definitely not a good day.. everyone is so scare tt i will turn crazy anytime due to strees and pressure and small irritating stuffs tt is happening in the dance team.. and yea man.. i m worrying about myself too.. when m i going to b bonkers? when i m facing dancers with half fuck attitude.. somemore.. is seeing them everyday.. ppl with no sense of urgency and no discipline to come on time for training or to get farking priorities into their farking mind.. THEY ALL SUCKS BIG TIME.. i guess everyone in dance team is oreadi expecting a fantastically cool entry from me today.. and yes.. look forward to it.. we got screwed by ryan today.. and it was a real bad one.. i cant remember when was the last time he walked out on us.. with a angry and disappointment face.. no one or specific groups shall b mention.. but dun u all think that u all have no farking sense of urgency.. for ur info.. concert is not 6 months away.. is 6 days.. and what u wanna achieve in this 6 days? doing full out? or jus marking thru ur steps? forgetting formations.. unable to execute steps in full out.. not tt i m perfect.. but at least show some effort.. everyone is hoping to have a second day concert.. i know.. but it came to us too late.. and the school is not promising us anything.. tt's wat piss the dancers off.. i know.. the school set the rule tt if we wanna b the first cca group to have a 2days concert.. we must have at least 250 ppl on the waiting list who is able to come.. but now.. no one can confirm.. but they wan a second day.. from a dancer point of view.. it makes sense too.. if we dun confirm tt we have a second day of concert.. how can they confirm with their frens.. and if u cant convince ur fren.. how they gonna b supportive and come down and watch u dance.. yea.. both ways make sense.. but it's so irritating when things cant b compromise.. and everyone is screaming and blaming at everyone.. makes NO SENSE.. and thinks tt things are farking gonna work out tt way? NO WAY MAN.. things are not gonna happen this way one can..instead of finding fault with all the small little loopholes tt main com left out in the concert... have u all think back of all the things tt we fought for.. no one simply sees our effort.. when u all start all the blaming and all.. does it hit u all about other feelings? how badly it hurts me.. it's like directly stabbing into my heart.. and yes.. i know u all will give explanation tt u all not referring to me.. but as in the whole main comm.. but i in the main comm wat.. so yah.. it is stil referring to me at e end of the day.. and somemore all these things are by ppl whom i considered my good frens in dance team.. it hurts me even more.. leaving me out at times.. coming out with reasons which i find more like excuses.. and jus bcos i'm main comm.. i feel u all condemn me at times.. and yea.. it reali makes me feel scare to trust u all as frens sometimes... i dun mean anything bad la.. but i reali have got no assurance of anything.. and one came screaming and shouting on the fone at me.. not giving me chances to explain anything.. and jus continue with wat u have gotta to say.. blaming is all u know.. have u tried thinking from other point of view? NO!!! u jus live in ur own world.. when u finally give me chance to talk after a long 20 mins talk.. i feel so meaningless explaining or telling u anything.. take it tt i m irresponsible or wat.. i'm oreadi stunned and shocked tt this is actually coming from my good frens.. or right now.. should say.. i dun even know whether i m stil ur fren.. or u r stil my fren.. and i cant wait to hang up on u on tt moment.. and u can stil tell me we need to talk things out in a calm way? u consider urself liddat calm? MY FOOT la..i owe many ppl many explanations.. regardless it is things tt has gotta to do with me or things ahs nothing gotta do with me.. i jus farking gotta ans to my dancers.. the intentionally short nap from 8pm to 11pm.. was being affected to.. i cried so hard for the whole day from e time i reach home.. and cried even harder when someone jus call and scold me.. to the time i had my dinner which i also didnt eat much.. simply not in e mood.. and bath and went to bed.. cried to sleep like FINALLY.. and was woken up by at least 15 calls and dunno how many sms-es... asking about tomolo training and all.. ok.. i need to clarify things with ppl hu r plannign all these also.. i sms meiqi.. she told me she will b msging all leaders and u all volunteered it.. but it came to me tt so many ppl awaiting for the ans and call and demand so many explanations from me.. mentality tells u i'll get pissed right.. esp when u jus want a short nap but being disturbed by so many things.. and when me myself have no clue what is going on.. as in timing and all..i woke up at 930.. too irritated to sleep anymore... explanations and explanations is all tt is being demanded from me.. like wat else.. is anyone giving me any encouragement or motivation to go on.. like farking HELL NO!!!.. all tt u all expect to c is results.. but process wise? anyone putting in any effort? or jus effort coming from mouth? totalli makes no sense.. fayanne have been nice.. for today.. comforting me and telling me not to b too affected by it.. but like how.. i gave a sarcastic comment.. cos me and yang went down to the coffee shop to arrange food for dancers and all.. giving the best budget like cutlet rice.. and burgers for them.. but yea.. can all these effort b seen? if u tell me YES.. i will reply u MY ASS!!!! but anywae.. i told fayanne.. i shouldnt have been so nice to everyone.. and i said.. i should have jus made them go to the toilet bowl and dig shits out to eat man.. and she laughed at me.. yea although i didnt find it funny but her laugh make me feel a bit better.. at least i calm down a bit..i dunno y.. she say i very funni and imaginative.. i told her i wanna stuff the dancers' mouth with shits.. and make them swallow it before they talk.. and she laughed again.. like omg.. but yah..i off my phone the whole afternoon.. dun feel like letting anyone contact me.. i need to b in my own world.. i cried and cried.. and it's reali so tiring to cry.. it requires more energy than i dance.. i feel like running on the street like a mad woman.. and scream at everyone i c on streets.. bran have been nice in comforting me and all.. but tt didnt make things better.. he wanted to come down and acc me.. but i jus dun feel like stepping out of the house.. somemore i cry until the whole face is red.. like a swollen pig.. i wont wanna go out in tt condition.. anywae.. the day is jus bad..all guys team lost the concert cd.. makes me day even worse.. they were the last one at the dance studio.. but out of 9 guys.. none actually bother to check the player when they left the studio.. and none bother to take initiative to keep the cd.. so wat.. as the in charge.. m i suppose to spoon feed u all? u all want me to breast feed u all not?? i be ur nanny la..fark HELL la.. can u all jus DUN call urself guys? u all r jus a DISGRACE to guys la.. total there's 3 cds.. and now i onli got one with me.. the other 2 missing one is the cd with all the other 3 teams' songs inside.. the one tt is being passed to me today.. is the all guys team cd.. and c.. u all onli care bout urself.. total selfishness.. no sense of responsibility. and it's reali getting on my nerves tt such things can actually happen.. and there is actually comments coming to me saying.. it's because i dun wanna b responsible tt y i pass it to u wat but now i still have to take responsilbility.. come on la.. dun make it sound like it's my fault lo.. and it's definitely not a WISE choice to piss ryan further now telling him tt we lost the cd.. he is jus gonna screw us again can.. tt's it.. i gonna end today's entry.. nothing nice is being mention here.. but alot of ugly things.. but yea.. i dun give it a shit.. facts are mention.. and my personal feelings plsu opinion.. i shall jus go into my own world again.. kisses the world goodbye..
Yxiaopei'er♥
