Friday, January 12, 2007
today is a rainy day.. my mood is exactly what the weather is like.. too many things happened in one day and i m not strong enuff to handle them.. i have always tout myself as a strong gal.. apparently no.. there are times when i fall too..chatting with loren online.. found out from her alot of stuffs about the dance team.. i feel tt i have neglected alot of things.. the seniors feelings.. like y seniors are being prioritised to do performances and stuff.. i know alot feel left out.. not jus bcos of dancework team.. but bcos of no updates even though they r not involve.. but yah they r not updated of events going on.. until they have to hear from their frens.. yah it's my fault.. it's realli my fault.. i'm sad.. not bcos loren say these thing to me.. it bcos she say.. again.. i m the bad person speaking up.. and yes.. y muz it always be loren and not from other.. when u all r my frens.. y not the rest.. i met joan in the afternoon.. i met roy and carryn and meiqi and night.. i dunno who is talking but obviously it has to b someone from the group.. but y.. y no one bothers to tell and yet speaking among urself WHY WHY WHY!!!! u mean u all cant talk to me? or u all simply cant b bothered? it disappoints me.. at least as a fren..career fair meant to b great.. talks given.. new opportunities seeked.. but things jus doesnt turned out the way u want them to b.. interviewed to be air stewardess for SIA.. i got selected and onli 2 were selected out of 10.. alot were happy for me.. cos they find it a rare opportunity.. but apparently.. those not agreeable ones.. are actually those closest to me.. the reaction i got from my sis.. u realli wanna b air stewardess.. u tink it's fun? u tink u will have future? what's with impractical dreams.. and then she ask me to go tink through myself.. u mean i cant have dreams? u mean i cant aspire to be something someone.. nvm.. i give up.. i go suit with whatever whoever u all wan me to b fine?!?! no point arguing back.. no one is proud of me.. no one is simply proud of who i m .. what i m thinking..i know the ppl i m going to refer to.. will b reading my blog.. and yes.. i m angry cos no explanation is given.. ahlee left for training at 630 today.. cos we excused her to go c doctor.. she told us she going her house there to c.. and she reached the tamp interchange at like freaking 8pm.. tell me what excuse have u got to take such long time? and best thing is mel ask me if i can leave at tt moment and go acc and find ahlee to acc her to c doctor.. cos she doesnt know where the clinic is.. but yah.. is it appropriate for me to leave everything for tt reason.. u all farking know tt i can b irritated by anyone who is late or leaving without giving valid reason.. but yah.. m i suppose to do this.. not tt i dun wanna acc ahlee.. i will wan to.. cos she is my good fren too.. but i have to draw a line.. esp when it is training.. how to tell everyone to not be late or dun miss training when i m doing this.. i explained this to mel.. he understands but yah.. i'm jus in bad mood.. and obviously.. i aint feeling great today..meiqi and roy late for training today.. meiqi apologise.. roy ended with something.. my lesson ended late.. then i asked y didnt u informed.. he answered.. u can call me what.. u also never call me.. hello.. r u suppose to inform me.. or m i suppsoe to look for u.. and he say.. anywae gin is not here.. u mean.. gin is not here.. u dun have to show any farking respect to the team? or tt is the best effort u can show.. if yes.. well.. i appreciate it.. but it is not even what i feel is the minimum.. apparently.. i had someone admitting tt i was taken for granted.. my heart sank like titantic ship.. y? i'm good to bully? and my good fren somemore.. i m taken for GRANTED.. i m so gonna heck care everything.. it's the team forcing me to do so.. i'm disappointed.. in everything and everything.. i feel shitty now.. take a knife and stab me in the heart pls.. like right now.. dance is dragging my life down.. mommy is angry.. even xyz is not feeling fine with it.. the person tt i assume will understand the best.. the person tt will understand me most turns out to b the person liddat.. one thing i learn.. never assume.. cos assume makes an ass out of u and me.. and yes.. i feel so assy now.. seriously assy.. i m trying to make the effort u c? do u c? i know i have no time for u.. i m trying hard to squeeze out every single bit of lil moments i have.. even meeting jus for supper i dun even mind.. what else.. tell me what else can i do.. i m lost.. agitated.. everything.. i dun blame u for feeling liddat cos i know it is my fault.. but i need udnerstanding.. all these not what i wan also what.. i m trying also.. but i have responsibilities to ans to.. one message "dun need meet.. u busy with ur own.. bye"..tt farking single moment broke my heart into pieces.. u mean all the effort i have been trying to show onli allow u to have such comments left for me? what's with ending with bye.. this is the first time u did this.. and this bye.. reali hurts.. like deep into the heart u know.. it may not mean anything to u.. but it means to the recipient.. the first reaction i feel like having is fark u.. nvm.. i know.. no one will understand and not like anyone care.. to the whole world outside.. i no longer needs console need understanding need anything from everyone.. everything is my fault.. i brought it upon myself.. i'm the most farked up gal on earth k..i have so much and so much to say.. but who is lending me a listening ear.. who is standing by my side.. fighting hand in hand with me.. who can dun oppose me for once.. who can b the one understanding what i m going through.. i m such a thrash.. or mayb cos i m wearing a thrash tee today tt makes me look like thrash.. if i m thrash.. pls tell me u dun need me and throw me away.. dun do all these nonsense things to hurt me... i'm had enough.. enough of everything.. falling upon me.. not in time for me to get myself prepared.. yes i m tearing.. how many farking of u out there care.. i may seem emo to u.. but tink.. i m having a hard time too.. i m human.. i have feelings.. i m fragile.. at least for today.. i m.. i feel like dying.. i feel like hiding in my bed and cry.. i kiss the world goodbye.. i'm gonna give up everything like real soon.. i'm reali reali not able to handle all these.. i dun feel strong anymore...not ever feeling strong again..
Yxiaopei'er♥